Dear Julia,
Six days from today you will embark upon your high school career in the classroom. It will be the first day of your freshman year.
But as you have already started high school athletics, I will take this moment to write to you moving forward.
You are fourteen years old, and high school brings with it the process by which you will earn the good grades which will open up doors for university acceptance, or not. During the teenage years you develop the personality traits which will coalesce into your adult persona. Hormones and the opposite sex; confusion and angst; extreme lows and extreme highs: you will deal with all this and more. Early adolescence morphs into late adolescence which then transitions into early adulthood. In short: you are growing up. Adult life, although not yet on your doorstep, beckons to you from afar. The high school years will pass quickly: snap your fingers and I’ll be writing a letter to you, my beloved oldest daughter, as you prepare to depart home for college.
But you’re not there yet.
You’re just starting high school!
In fact, last week high school athletics began, and by a combination of less than ideal circumstances you had to do tryouts on the same day for both the high school girl’s tennis and soccer teams. Tennis tryout was from 2:45 until 5:00 pm, and then soccer was immediately afterwards from 5:00 to 7:00 pm. You endured this and were plenty fatigued by the end, I imagine. You did your best. You complained mightily beforehand, but I told you the schedule while unfortunate would not change. You would have to deal with it.
And you did.
You completed both the tennis and soccer workouts back-to-back. As a result, you will have a spot on both teams during the regular season.
I watched you deal with adversity. You struggled. You were stressed. I fretted. I have a few thoughts.
I would say this to you clearly now, daughter Julia: you are stronger than you think, smarter than you believe, and tougher than you know. You can endure so much more than you think you can. I can hear you disagree with me, but you will come to appreciate what I say with time. It is through trial and tribulation that a person earns their capacity for hard work and emotional resilience, and the next decade will provide you plenty of opportunity to put in the “hard yards” to grow in mental toughness. Over the years you will acquire a layer of solid steel in your spine, and this will serve you well in adult life.
It is in this context that I do not wish you easy success or halcyon days in high school and college. I wish for personal and academic growth. So I wish for you to struggle — not struggle all the time, but struggle some of the time, at the very least. There is no worthwhile growth without struggle. I don’t believe in “easy success” — it is a mirage, a coincidence, fool’s gold. I would not give it to you even if I could. Life just doesn’t work that way.
It is like I say about the secret to success as a competitive tennis player: losing matches continuously, while learning from your losses, is the path to winning most of your matches eventually. If you are winning all the time, are you competing against good enough players? Are you improving? Or stagnating? Play those who are better than you, and in losing to them allow your tennis game to be pulled up; learn where you need to improve, and over time and through continuous intentional practice learn to beat that player. Focus on learning and growth, not on winning or losing, and the results will take care of themselves.(bold) Struggle. Fight. Never give up. You might lose tennis matches, but don’t allow yourself to be beaten: the difference between the two is subtle but important. Always keep kindled the inner-fire which is your self-regard and self-respect. Never let it go out.
Last night a family friend confided to me that the pressure of family expectations lie heavy on you. “My cousin starts Stanford next month, my grandpa attended Harvard, my mother went to UC Berkeley and my father UCLA!” you supposedly complained to her. You have asked me if I think you get into a school like one of those. Of course you can, Julia. You have the talent and the support. You should aim for the most prestigious schools in the land, and if you work hard you might end up in one of them. But I want you to know I am not comparing you to anyone else. If there is pressure on you in the college acceptance rat race, it does not come from me.
You do the best you can do, and I will be pleased. What university you end up at is of secondary concern to me, if you show the proper spirit and have your values in order. If you are a hard worker and know who you are, the rest will follow. If your personal attitude and moral code are not ok, all else is doubtful and any success is provisional. Your sense of self and inner peace are what is important, not the trappings of “success” or the opinions of others.
Forget about the competitive game to get into the “best” university or have the “best” job — with your relatives bragging about it to their friends. Abjure the vanity of seeking to be “popular,” or “the best.” Others have their own struggles; don’t compare yourself to them. Compare yourself to that vision of you which you hold to be ideal. Daughter Julia, you just focus on being the best possible Julia that you can be.
What would this “best possible Julia” look like? What kind of person would she be? Why? How would she live? What work would she do? Towards what ultimate goal?
Those are questions not so easily answered.
The good news?
I will never ask you much more than that.
The bad news?
It will be the labor of Hercules, and I will quietly and unceasingly insist on nothing less. And this will be because I have such high hopes for you, and I believe so much in your potential.
Earlier this year professional tennis player Naomi Osaka withdrew from the French Open because she suffered from depression and felt anxiety talking to journalists. Pundits praised Osaka for acknowledging her struggles and taking the time out to heal. A similar situation reportedly took place with the gymnast Simon Biles in the recent Tokyo Olympics.
I give you a different message: you are strong, not weak. Embrace your ability to rise above, rather than sink below, challenge.
Both your parents paid for college, at least partially, by working full-time while attending classes full-time. I taught a full load of high school classes when you were a baby, in addition to working a second job as a part-time adjunct professor. I get tired just thinking about it! I once was part of a four-man team that rode a bike all the way from UCLA to the Arizona state border to raise money for charity, just two days after I ran and completed the Los Angeles Marathon. Those few days were an athletic feat I’ll never forget! Such adventures will happen with you, too, Julia, and you will be up for the challenge. You will one day perform such prodigies of athletic and academic excellence in adult life that you will look back at high school successes and think them small beer. Trying out for both the soccer and tennis team in a single afternoon is preparing you for larger feats of athletic endurance later. You are just getting started, and each year you get stronger and tougher. Struggle is the crucible which makes you stronger. Embrace the struggle. That is how you acquire grit. Grit is the fuel you use to endure what you must endure.
You come from good stock, Julia. We Geibs can work unbelievably hard and perform at peak levels. Many of us have attended prestigious universities. Books and ideas are the food which sustains our souls. We are not easily beaten down. This is your family. This is where you come from.
And from this familial context, you will find your own way and become your own person. But in doing so don’t squander your energies on unhelpful comparisons or unnecessary pressure. It is rightly said that “comparison is the thief of joy.” It is a distraction, as well. Don’t focus on the outcome; focus on the process. Work unbelievably hard on being the best Julia Emerson Geib you can be, and the results will come.
Trust me in this, daughter.
Your mother and I love you so much, Julia. We wish you all the good fortune in the world as you start your high school experience which will end with you in college, and then in adult life after that. It all lies ahead of you. Get excited!
But first of all, high school.
Julia, enjoy your first day of ninth grade.
Love,
Your Father
