So it happened.
My oldest daughter just turned 16-years of age.
In about three months she will get her driver’s license.
With the ability to drive (ie. freedom) I suspect she will be gone from the house with friends a good chunk of the time until she leaves for college. So it has been with the children of my friends who can drive: they aren’t around much. Teenagers get busy, and their friends are everything.
My daughter is growing up.
How do I feel about this?
I am proud. My daughter is a stellar student and a standout athlete, and my wife and I have had almost no serious reason to chastise her for poor judgment, misbehavior, or whatever. She is 16 going on 23, as I see it, the occasional teen sullenness aside. I sometimes wish she would break more rules, push the boundaries – GO FOR IT! But my daughter is going for it, in her own way, I think.
Other adults in my life occasionally congratulate me on having “turned out an impressive young woman,” or words to that end. My wife’s and my ministrations have had some effect, no doubt, but I believe my daughter was born the way she is, and I take little credit. We were lucky.
That being said, every child has their issues. When we divide children into “good” and “bad” ones, according to behavior and grades, we simplify a complicated reality. And I don’t want to put a “good child” label on my child, any more than I want to affix a “bad child” one. It is said in politics that strongmen in the authoritarian “caudillo” mold make for weak peoples in the countries they lord over, and I think the same is true in parenting: LARGE bossy parents make for SMALL intimidated children (down with “helicopter parenting!).
Very soon my daughter will be driving on her own. Right now she is chary about driving and a bit intimidated, but that will change with time and more practice. A driver’s license and access to a car equals FREEDOM. It will be here soon for her.
Then a year more and my daughter will be applying to college and approaching high school graduation. She will receive the email accepting her into the university she will attend. Then she will move into a dorm at that school.
I am excited for her!
But right now we are in the tense mix of high adolescence. That is no easy thing. Patience, patience, patience, Richard! Be supportive and positive, if at all possible. When frustrated with her, choose your words carefully. When very frustrated, bite your cheek and say nothing. Wait until later and talk it out calmly.
Yet I miss my daughter when she was 8-years old.
I sometimes look at my teenage daughter and say, “What happened to that cute happy little kid who used to snuggle up to me? Where did she go?” This older, more mature teenager in front of me is less fun. She might be more mature and interesting in many ways, but often less fun. “Patience, patience, patience, Richard,” I remind myself again. Even though your teenager could emanate that feeling that she could care less what happens to you or what you think, that is a front fueled by hormones and rebellion — the adolescent must push the parent away, as she finds her own way in the world. I get it. I’m the parent. My kid is 16-years old. What did I expect?
Parenting is so different now than it was in the beginning. Those early years of parenting were intense and unremitting; it took a part of my soul which I will never get back. My hair turned gray and then grayer. There were no shortcuts, as I could see it, to being an involved and supportive dad. A former student of mine sent photos to me yesterday of his wife, himself, and their newborn baby girl. After congratulating him, I sent this parenting advice: “Remember, it is a marathon, not a sprint.” That is for sure. Even as a child is an incalculable gift and a humble blessing, to be a parent is also hard labor. It is all on you; it is a huge responsibility. You are never really off duty. Ever. And even when your child is grown and gone, you are still their parent and bear responsibility. You worry. So it will be forever, I suspect.
But the benefits to having been an involved and attentive dad in those early years is that you get to enjoy watching your “well launched” child begin to make her way in the world. Increasingly it is all her, less me. It was not that way when she was a helpless baby or an innocent little girl. Then it was her mother and I doing the heavy lifting. Her needs seemed endless. Driving her places, coaching her sports teams, feeding or bathing her, bedtime reading hour, laundry and cleaning, or whatever else — it took almost all our time. Too often it seemed we did little else.
Grading essays and changing diapers — the busy years.
In those difficult early days my wife and I were like sentries relieving each other from guard duty, so that we could get an hour or two to workout at the gym, or enjoy a bit of private time away from the kids. We were overwhelmed.
But not so much anymore. As each year passes by more quickly than the previous one, I am a bit astounded by my daughter. She is spinning off towards independence and her adult life. Increasingly she takes care of her own business.
Soon she will be driving on her own.
She will apply to and attend college.
She will start to date and pursue romantic relationships.
She will build a career and hopefully find a vocation.
My daughter will travel and (undoubtedly) mature, experience love and (probably) heartbreak, know good fortune and (not too much, I hope) misfortune, get hired and fired (not often, I trust), and make her own way in the world.
She is considerably down the road towards being grown up. She is 16, but seems like 23.
So happy 16th birthday, beautiful Julia Emerson Geib!
I’m so proud to be your father.
And I’m so excited to watch you navigate your way through the adult world!
Blood calls out to blood, and you will always know where you come from.
You are a Geib, you are your own person, and you can do and be just about anything you want moving forward.
It all lies ahead of you.
To have a daughter is forever to have your heart walking around outside your body.
